"But how can I even begin to fix everything that is wrong with me?  Look at this mess!!!!" I shout.

I can feel the Holy Spirit looking behind me.  "What mess?  All that I see is what is going on between us right here and now.  All that you see behind you are things I cannot see.  It does not matter what happened in your past.  I cannot see them because they have been erased from my eyes.  I only see you standing in the kitchen right now and you have become overwhelmed by lies.  You do not seek Me you do not even look toward Me because you are so ashamed of something that is not even a part of you, so stop trying to hold a very heavy nothing!"

"But I did it," I answer simply. 

"Did WHAT?!  L i s t e n  t o   ME child!........  I see NOTHING in your hands!  I see no weight on your back!  I FORGAVE YOU IN JESUS NAME!  Your problem does not exist!  You only need to trust Me.  Believe that I love you and Believe you are Mine.

Thats it.

Complex PTSD - It is an injury, not an illness!

 

Complex PTSD - It is an injury, not an illness!

Long term exposure to repeated emotional and mental abuse can result in Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Sometimes, the term "psychosis" is applied to mental illness, and the term "neurosis" to psychiatric injury. The main difference is that a psychotic person is unaware they have a mental problem, whereas the neurotic person is aware - often acutely.

Made Crazy or Suffering Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder?

In reality, the common description of emotional abuse as "crazy making" is actually quite appropriate. Long term exposure to repeated emotional and mental abuse can result in Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, which is, as the name suggests, a more complex form of PTSD.
Both disorders are experienced as a result of a psychiatric injury (in layman's terms a type of brain damage), but where PTSD is usually the result of one major psychiatric injury, and can usually be recovered from in a relatively short period of time with the right support,Complex PTSD, is the result of many psychiatric injuries, both minor and major, that are inflicted over a long period of time. The symptoms are also more complex, and so is the treatment, so the name is really quite suitable.
The sad thing about Complex PTSD is that recovery can take on average, 5 years, and can only begin once the victim is removed from the situation that caused it, and given the right support and treatment.
On the bright side, PTSD and Complex PTSD are psychiatric injuries and they can be recovered from. The symptoms, such as anxiety and depression, are not internal chemical imbalances, but reactive or situational disorders, and so people suffering from either disorder can make a FULL recovery in time. This is in contrast to other mental illnesses such as Personality Disorders and Bi-Polar Disorder, which are the result of internal chemical imbalances, and although treatable, will never actually go away.

http://safe-at-last.hubpages.com/hub/Signs-of-Domestic-Violence-Emotional-Abuse

Study Finds PTSD Gene Link

Week of April 16, 2012

Stars and Stripes reports that a recent study has identified the genes that are linked to post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). "The existence of a study population with clear genetic links, common family histories, and exposure to a single trauma allowed researchers an unusual opportunity to distill information about genes' role in PTSD," said UCLA psychiatrist Armen K. Goenjian, who led the study. An abstract of the study is available in the April 5, 2012 online edition of the Journal of Affective Disorders.
For more facts on PTSD from Military.com's Ms. Vicki, visit the Military.com Spouse and Family Center.


http://www.military.com/veterans-report/study-finds-ptsd-gene-link?ESRC=vr.nl

Understanding Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

So many people dont understand P.T.S.D..  Less than a year ago one of those people was me. on a side note on a whim I asked a question that stopped him cold in his tracks he stared at me he said, ma'am, I believe you have P.T.S.D..  Less than a year ago has been an eternity for me.  I was only asked one question - by half dozen of them at least, "ma'am, please tell us why you left the military".  I looked down low at my feet in shame - I told each one of them exactly the same honest and truthful answer and when I finally told them I was crazy, each time I made them cry.  Their tears for me were genuine in disbelief I shook my head, "Dont you see what I have done? I flipped my own universe upside down!"  I had tried so hard  to go back to being me, I did not know thats impossible with P.T.S.D.. I blamed myself I was so ashamed - sad and lonely I became. Not my fault they kept telling me I shook my head no way I would accept the weakness, anxiety, and depression in me is caused from an illness called P.T.S.D.  The joy in my heart I cannot feel I can only remember it was once very real.  I must learn to function without that limb using artificial tools I feel like such a fool like everyone is making fun of me and I think they are laughing but nobody laughs at P.T.S.D..  I have my days as we all do but today I am writing to share with you that as sure as this pain, happiness can also be real.  Take small steps its a very long way so many promises to someday take away the pain in my heart and replace it with purpose my feelings no longer forged or faked.  The only way I know to love the ones that are close to me is to protect them by making them tougher than me because one day they could struggle with this same reality that is an illness called P.T.S.D.

PTSD

In everything I have been taught today I learned a little more about what it means.  Not only CAN it happen to me.... it WILL.  It did.  It will happen to you and I cannot stop it but because I have become a part of it and I can never ever erase it because it put its fist straight through my heart and took so much of my soul.  Not one of us who suffer can describe the reality because it is invisible.  This modern world exists because of war we cannot see and we walk blindfolded through land mines on our own battlefield praying that we make it, then begging God to let us die when we get a glimpse into that side.  Why me? Why not.  I am not the only one.  A curse or a gift I cannot decide why I have the ability to see them and they are everywhere.  I cannot hide but I hate them and they attach themselves to all of us, even me.  I cannot see you I can only see them and I cannot understand why you do not recognize them.  I am not understood by you and so I keep myself closed tight because they surely hate me and so you will also because you obey them.   I want to love you because God commands me to, but I hate what they will make us do to each other to our own hearts why cant I just close me eyes and enjoy this ride that is my life like a limb from my body joy was taken from me and thats my definition of PTSD.

Freckles!

My husband works a very labor intensive job and spent the last year and a half working so hard in order to be able to build and provide a better home for our family.  We moved into our beautiful new house in October, 2011.  My husband is so proud of his new garage.  It is a 3-stall and he had an extra 4 feet added to the length.  Before he set up the dining room table or the couch, he built a workbench in the garage.  He spends an incredible amount of time now sorting different screws and nuts and bolts and nails out there.  He set up a television, heater, and stereo to keep him company while he "works on building stuff".  

I am not afraid of my husband, not even a little bit. He loves me and he treats me like a queen.  But when I started dragging tables, stools, the china hutch, and every other piece of wooden furniture we own out to his workbench he started acting crazy ~ like a little girl protecting her precious dolls. It did not even cross my mind that working in 'his garage' would be invading 'his space'.  I was staining furniture in the garage.  It was too light.  The trim in our new home is dark and the homebuilder left a half-gallon of the stain, so I decided to take advantage of it.   Sounds easy enough, right?  I had so much fun with this project!  I did tend to become a little over-zealous because I really liked the idea of thinking of myself as an 'artist'.  I love that I have been able to transform something 'blah' to 'beautiful'!  I learned so much from this project I feel like a wealth of knowledge!   I learned I need to cover the floor BEFORE I stain.  I learned that stain will soak right through newspaper and and 2 sets of old sheets.   I learned several days too late that most people do not apply stain with a paint brush.

Did you know that stain will fly approximately 12 feet through the air from the workbench to the garage door?  It also travels 6 feet in the other direction to the back door.  The inside of our garage is freckled now.  Soap and water will not remove stain.  You cannot use a magic eraser.  While I was attempting to PRAY the stains away I am positive I heard the Holy Spirit giggling!

I went through every single cleaning supply we own.  I tried everything.  Some of the freckles are lighter, some are smeared, and some are the size of my head.  None of them are gone.  That moment when you realize you have done something really really dumb and now you must suffer the consequences.   The circumstances differ from person to person, but everyone has experienced 'that moment'. 

I had to tell on myself.  It would have been much worse for him to discover the freckles on his own.  I didnt have to pretend to cry - I was sobbing!  He nearly knocked me over to get to his precious motorcycle- which was parked immediately behind my project.  I had forgotten about the Harley.  Oh my it did not look good for me.

My husband stood absolutely speechless for at least 5 or 10 minutes looking around at the floor, ceiling, walls, and doors.  Then slowly he turned to me, shook his head, and told me I may just be the death of him.  Then he told me he loves me and that I did a great job staining.  Then he went into the house and took another blood pressure pill.

Right now I am giving my husband the silent treatment. I am upset because he made a comment tonight about me being too "spacey" sometimes.  It hurt my feelings.

                                                                 

garage door

back garage door

Freckles!

Jack of all Trades? Master Mess Maker!

I have been spending alot of time on Pinterest lately.. Its the most incredible online "womans magazine" and when I click on the site, I feel a little bit giddy - like I am opening the door to 'Pink & Pretty' land!  The most amazing thing about this site is that it not only shows you some of the most creative and awesome DIY projects, the pictures come with instructions for people like me!  I never dreamed I could be so crafty!  The 1st creative project I decided to conquer was to makeover my bathroom. At the advice of a clever craftsman on Pinterest I went to the Dollar Store and purchased 7 picture frames - all of them black.  Then I searched for really really neat pictures that would look great on the walls. I wanted them to be entertaining and thought provoking - since my husband spends an awful lot of time in the bathroom.  My 1st challenge came when I realized my Dollar store picture frames did not have hanging hooks.  I searched and searched but could not find anything on Pinterest that explains how to attach hooks to picture frames.  Being a new and improved 'Jack of all Trades' I creativly designed my own hooks with thumb tacks, wire, and a hammer.  Thats where I lost 2 of the frames.  It does not matter how hard you hammer, thumb tacks will not penetrate through the glass that holds the picture in the frame.  Being the well-grounded and sensible woman I am, I see no need for silly tools such as measuring tape or levels.  Women have a very keen sense of 'centering'.  This is where I ran into my 2nd hurtle.  I finally figured a way to get the hooks on the backs of the frames with my idea using thumb tacks and wire (just dont hit the glass) but I did not pay very close attention at all where I placed my hooks on the backs of the pictures.  I carefully nailed 5 holes in the walls, making sure each was level and evenly spaced.  My creative hooks were not.  Most pictures now cover 4 or 5 holes each in the wall behind them.  My husband said he loved the pictures but when he went to rearrange them a little (they never did end up quite centered) I had to make myself faint to take his attention from the walls.  It worked at the time, but later I felt so guilty that I tearfully confessed.  My wonderful husband wrapped his arms around me and told me he loves our new improved bathroom with crooked pictures.   Since my husband was being so understanding, I also showed him the multiple strips of wallpaper I accidently removed when I was trying to place a creative Pinterest 3D border.  I painted wooden circles black and red and silver, then attached permanent  mounting tape to the backs of them.  I learned from this project that the word permanent means 'do not remove or try to reposition once it is placed on the wall'.  My bathroom DIY project cost $11, took 2 weeks to complete, 23 nail holes, and 17 strips of wallpaper.  Next, I have decided to stain every single piece of wooded furniture in our house.  I will let you know how it turns out!